This isn’t a fight. It’s the fight. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that makes your gut churn and heart beat twice as fast while anxiety rips its way through your body like a hurricane.
You think: Now I’ve done it. This friendship is ruined. There’s no coming back from this.
And whether you’ve hurt them, they’ve hurt you, or you’ve both hurt each other, the thoughts are the same.
If the friendship is toxic and is loaded to the brim with gaslighting, competition, jealousy and manipulation tactics, then it’s essential you put your needs first and say sayonara. Toxicity is not healthy and will only leave you with unseen scars.
However, if this friendship is not toxic, is one of mutual support, love, and care, and you want to continue the friendship, this is my advice:
Be honest about how you feel.
- As cliché as it sounds, honesty is always the best policy. It is the foundation for a strong friendship as it strengthens the lines of communication and helps you to trust each other more.
- Tell your friend how you feel; have their actions hurt you? Are you feeling distraught that you’ve (intentionally or not) hurt them? Do you feel your friendship can recover from this?
- Be honest but not hurtful. Be compassionate towards your friend, recognise their feelings, and be empathetic in your wording. As Bruce Kasanoff states in Forbes, ‘Honesty without compassion is cruelty.’
Take accountability for your actions.
- Regardless of your intention – whether you thought you were being helpful or said the meanest thing you could think of in the heat of the moment – you’ve hurt someone you care about. Don’t try and wiggle your way around it and make excuses. Own up to it. Accept responsibility for your choices.
- Taking accountability shows your friend that you are a mature and conscientious person; you understand when you are in the wrong and can apologise for it.
- Apologising and accepting responsibility for your actions can help you to grow as a person – you are capable of change and learning.
- My warning: when you’re apologising and owning up to your own sliver of toxicity don’t:
- Use words like ‘if’ or ‘but’ – this negates the whole apology. You’re placing the blame on your friend in a twisted way.
- Say ‘I’m sorry you…’ According to psychologist Dr Yisha Stiskala-Yu in an article for ‘Body and Soul’ this again places blame and judgement on your friend.
- Use emojis. They might seem cute and light-hearted, but this exact attitude takes away from the seriousness of your actions and the genuine nature of your apology.
Take some space.
- If you need space to rest, recuperate and recover from the fight before you continue the friendship, tell the other person. Let them know what your needs are, if the space is temporary or not, and that you will reach out when you’re ready.
- Space gives you both a chance to cool down, and consider what you mean to each other.
- Sometimes space means going no-contact, but it doesn’t have to mean that. You don’t need to ghost each other, but limiting contact can be extremely beneficial to you both.
- Taking space will show whether or not this friendship is meant to last. You will either come out of it with a strengthened relationship, or your friend will fade quietly from your life.
My best friend and I managed to recover from ‘the fight’ once we expressed how we felt, apologised for how we hurt the other, and took a little space.
I hope that you and your friend can recover too. Goodluck!
References:
Victoria Bassett-Wilton 
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